Happy International Women’s Day
As I sit here reflecting what this day of celebrating the global social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women means to me, I realize I’m having trouble feeling what I used to feel when I was a few years younger: burning passion, overwhelming anger at injustices towards my sex and gender, and incredible hopefulness and optimism for what the future might hold.
I am now increasingly afraid and doubtful of what’s to come, and I feel like my head is not as clear as it used to be. My heart is weary.
The movement was first a platform to make sense the emotions I was feeling from being a teenage girl and then a woman (of color), a channel to connect with others with similar experience, a way to organize, a tool to push many, many boundaries, and then, an intellectual exploration. Through communities, I learned about the many facets of injustice and to check my own privileges. I understood early on that no one woman was the same, and that everyone was allowed to start learning at any point of their lives.
However, as the Indonesian society regresses (along with the rest of the world), I’m sensing a kind of social and political anxiety and an unspoken fear that we have lost this cultural battle. This anxiety has probably burst into sheer panic, because the fight or flight instinct has kicked in, and I could sense despair has split the movement into fragments that can no longer be mediated by calling in and nuanced discussions, let alone with solely common goals. As the result, I feel more and more disconnected and isolated, rather than feeling the movement is gaining traction.
At the same time, as I am pushed further and further to the radical left, I am starting to read more about calls to decrease reliance on empathy, especially of those who are not marginalized, to solve social problems. And while it’s logical and enticing, I can’t help but feel sad for humanity if it is indeed proven that this beautiful ability to feel for others is less powerful than we thought. As radical and progressive my ideals are, I still got to this point through raw feelings for others and for the experience of being human. And what a grim world it must be if in the end it is not what’s going to save us all.
I remember when I first began to get in touch with a community, there was a common understanding that not everyone started from the same level, and so, it created a safe space to sound silly or to make mistakes. This is not to say that people were not held accountable. After a certain point, when you’ve done enough talking with them, you can hold the red card up and say “enough”, but this is normally done in a tight-knit community where you know the other party well enough to do so. Or at least their track record.
Today, anyone and everyone can have a say or two about your capabilities, your morals, your growth and your ideals, without really knowing your journey. It feels like having the substitute teacher for the day grading the performance of a test that’s supposed to represent a six year-long learning. Obviously, this is a biased and subjective take because I have been on the receiving end of these instant assessments. But when they do fall on other people, my observation still tells the same.
While I recognize the effectiveness of instant calling out to boycott powerful individuals and institutions, I also think more about how to better build our communities without committing tone-policing and stereotyping. And today, I feel stupid for even asking these questions. Like I should know. But I don’t. Because I genuinely think the tool we have right now in the current form is still not good enough, and I don’t even dare to express these thoughts without feeling like I’m not rude or revolutionary enough. Which I am. God, ask my mother (this is a joke).
In other words, I wonder if I am trapped in a desire to please everybody, unknowingly perpetuating the system, or if I really want to bring communities together.
So, yeah. This is the current state of my mind.
Anyways, sorry if I’m rambling.
Happy International Women’s Day, everyone, my sisters, cis and trans, from all walks of life — you all inspire me.
